Who am I ?

This is the story of my life . Since childhood, I have always wondered about "Who am I? What do I actually want? ", from life, from people, from myself and from god. I still haven't found the answer to this question, however, I believe that the path towards it is clearly visible to me now. Here it goes :

A gift of god, my mom said,

born to win and bring solace.

Sparkling eyes and tiny hands,

brimmed with courage to change the man.

He cried  He laughed , He crawled and walked,

carried with him, the winds of change and chariots of fire.

The sooner he grew, the faster they died,

the rising star just couldn't rise.

He asked his mom, the meaning of his name,

was filled with insigificance, no answer she had.

No paucity of reasons, to believe in the hidden,

he grew up in dark, with a world within.

In the mirror he saw, a replica of body, not the soul,

screamed aloud, "Who am I" ?

Life seemed sober, till he kept running,

he stopped, poured wine into life and felt the pain.

Trust, Hope , Love and War,

all he saw as a blessing in disguise, to find the path of eternal sunshine.

He changed his rules, and walked with the crowd,

Alas!, lost his identity, purged his mind.

A girl came in , to find her purpose,

he got his own, in the smile so divine.

Blindfolded he was treading the path,

dream shattered, he was at the start.

Disowned feelings and a somber heart,

he whispered in sleep, " Who am I ? "

To be continued...

A thought to remember

It is 1:56 AM, 29th December 2008. I wake up from my bed, not from the sleep though.A sense of urgency kicks in to explore what really lies inside me. I take my Ipod, a pack of ciggarettes, a lighter, my cell phone, a cap and my laptop, and just go out of my room searching for a place that forces me to think , what this world and I are made up of.I head straight to the terrace , in the sea of the unknown,oblivious yet so pure enviroment. I look up to the stars shining bright enough to make me feel guilty of the darkness inside me. A song playing on my Ipod whispers in my ears and says , " I am your truth". My innser selfish soul does not believe it as it has nothing so pleasurely to offer. I then lit up a smoke to subdue the selfish motives I have. I observe the smoke and the path it takes. It seems like it is going straight to those very stars. I look up to them again , and I see a canvas of my deeds, my feelings, my life in the sky holding those stars. I try to see something less disturbing, but all I see is the faces of people I love the most. And, I start talking to them, discuss with them that they are also made of the same matter as me. I pull out my cell phone, message a weird text to all of those. Why I am doing this? What am I doing ? I do not know. I feel like staying here forever. I do not want this night to end. I want to listen to everything it has to say.Yes, it is saying something. I try to listen:

"Whereever I stay, anywhere on the earth a thought stays with me. It had been stuck to my heart for long, a picture so vague which I never had a chance to see.I never stay happy with anything that lives, I keep asking my soul to believe that there is something which is hidden from my eyes, from this world: a feeling, a sense,a thought. I have always held my past so near to my heart, that nothing else ever had the chance to live there. I always loved the way I was, I never tried to change.However, ability to change is what the most precious thing I possess. It is the only thing that has made me love so many people. Change is the sole factor responsible for fighting through all the bad times my mind and heart have come accross. It is the only thought that keeps me going to know myself better. A day without change in my life, would erase all the happiness I have felt ever. Why do I wish the change to happen , and why do I become the same again , even after the change takes place? I should look for the answer. It would not only heal me, but would cleansen the soul I believe is tarnished and is not as good as I want it to be."

I am feeling cold. I wish I had my jacket. I light up another smoke, and another , and another. I repeat the same song again and again. I feel blessed. I feel like crying. I feel her in me. I feel the breeze, I miss the god. I know he is here. I change. I think. I want to sleep. I go back. I write this blog. I sleep.

Recession-Alien

Bangalore, 17th December 2008 - As one of the aftermaths of the sub-prime crisis in the US and the dilapidating world economy, some weird creatures called 'Recession-Aliens' have been spotted in the town.There was a chaos in several parts of Bangalore on Saturday, when huge groups of 'Recession-Aliens' came out on streets and innocously brain-washed the employees of several organisations. As a social initiative, I present before you the anatomy such people and the do's and dont's if you come across one of them.

1. Recession-Aliens (RA), are generally found in small groups, in a dingy corner of the cafeteria , or around the cubicle of their fellow RA, or even in the rest-rooms. They usually talk about the woes of the falling economy, news of their friends from other organisations being fired or some plain confident predictions about the number of people to be laid-off from their workplace and some so-called inside confidential information.

2. When he is alone, he sneaks into Naukri.com or other job portals every 5 mins, after confirming that his manager is not around. He may also be found taking interviews on phone, in the conference rooms after office hours.

3. He effortlessly convinces people , about not taking them for a treat on his birthday, with some newly born recession cliches like ' Recession ka time hai yaar, kis baat ki party'. 

4. A Recession-Alien, when found outside the office with  his friends from other organisations, boasts about his company not being hit by the recession or the bad economy as ' We are from a different domain , you know!! . We aren't affected much by this.'.

5. You will see a sharp increase in the performance, punctuality and effiency of a Recession-Alein from the past few months, as he is highly petrified from being laid-off pretty soon.

6. Last, but not the least, BEWARE!! - Your manager could be a Recession-Alien too .

"It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going." So Do's and Dont's are for you to decide.

Mumbai Blasts( 26th November) Helpline Numbers

In the midst of this mayhem, we should help the victims and their relatives in any way we can. Here are some of the helpline numbers and Hospital contacts :

The Ministry of External Affairs has set up a control room. The phone numbers are: 91-11-23015300, 23012113, 23013537.

The fax number is 91-11-23018158.

Taj helpline numbers: 022 - 66574322, 66574372, 1800111825. Oberoi helpline number: 011-23890606

Helpline Numbers:

91-11-2389 0606 ( Mumbai Help Hotline )

0207 632 3035 ( For Indains in UK)

0207 008 0000 ( Brittish Foreign Office)

Hospital Contacts : 

Blood needed at these places urgently :

Donate Blood/Looking for Blood -922 222 1947 

JJ Hospital +91 22 23739031 

St George's Hospital - +91 22 22620240

I will keep posting other important information. Please pray for those dead , may their soul rest in peace. 

I can't stop falling for you !!

When I saw you first, couldn't believe my eyes
In the midst of the crowd, you stood alone
playing with the tress, the one on your face
Dressed in red, you killed me sweet
I fell for you, with no thoughts beneath
The first tryst, with a shared maggi
still embedded in my heart, with a golden spoon
The coveted seat in the lecture hall, people teasing us n all
I still can't stop thinking of you,
I can't stop falling for you...

When I saw you next, it felt like a dream
you came with a smile, cherubic I say
Fear struck, when I had 'no milk'
people laughed, I smile within
The care for me, with love besides
touched my soul, I cried nights
We met in the dark, the corridor's luck
people frowned, we continued
Exams struck, we sat alone
miles to walk, library was near
all said, still unsaid
still can't stop looking at you,
I can't stop falling for you.

When I see you now, I feel like a prince
you love me so, the sky wonders
I try to fall, still hang in peace
standing by my side, you hold me there
A hug too warm, makes me cry,
a kiss on cheek, glitters in the eye
Tiffs umpteen, don't ruin the hope
to bring me back, your smile's all
I realize your trust, not meant to be broken
I still can't stop living with you
I just can't stop falling for you...

Book Review - Dead Beautiful Truth

"Self-enlightenment is just around the corner. Go search for it."
The search stops here. 'Dead Beautiful Truth' , brings it you ,in a terse manner and within hours of reading it. A story that belongs to us, every individual, who is searching for his aim and purpose of life. One lives through the chapters and dies with an ultimate truth of life. The story is highly unpredictable throughout, presenting a hallucinating journey of astral travels ( the after affects of a drug dose) which leaves you flabbergasted as it ends. One can easily identify with the characters and the situations presented.

DBT is based upon a strong and a 'reality' theory called " Theory of Competition and Stakes" , researched and formulated by the authors Varun and Adesh.It is a story based on a diary written by a teenager called 'Fi', a person who's ultimate aim is to discover the reason behind this life.Fi, a drug addicted teenager, who is just back from the rehabilitation center, falls into it all over again due to his recidivist tendency. He wants to experience the reason and energy behind everything, to an extent that death seems to be better than life to him. Fi believes that every event in this world , every minute action and behavior of human beings is based upon a 'stake' for which they are 'competing'. He believes that a LSD trip cannot get him into a 'out-of-body experience', until he really experiences it. Fi's astral travel experience takes him into the body of the central character of this novel,' Scorpio'. Fi, keeps switching in and out of Scorpio's body and lives through Scorpio's experiences. This character makes you believe that there is a life beyond death and it is far far beautiful and unimaginable than this life.His story takes you to a mystery ride with a tinge of selflessness , which leaves you in a state of illusion or may be hallucination. The kind of world that Scorpio lives in, is as intricate as your brain and is so well described, that the reader wishes to live the life his way, at the end of the novel. Scorpio, works for a mystic personality called 'God', who's silence and beliefs may terrify the reader initially, but it gradually gets imbibed in you , that this is the way life is and the truth lies in front of you. 'Plot' and 'J', again, are two cryptic characters used beautifully by the authors to glue the chapters and the episodes.
DBT has umpteen surprises and U-turns in the box for the readers, to remain glued till the end.The story is tightly coupled with the characters and ineffably presented , surpassing your expectations and intuitions of what would happen next. The hard-to-be-believed-truth, that the story reveals would stick to your mind, heart and soul. It presents a truth that every individual may know, but is far away from even acknowledging it , due to the sheer fear of 'DEATH'. The end leaves you perplexed about the existence of God and the aim of this Life, and an urge to discover it.The authors believe that people who need the answer to the following questions, may fall in love with the stuff written.

"What is the ultimate aim of my life? ", "What do i have to accomplish in my life ?", "Why i hate or love anything ?", "What am i doing here?", "What is mind and my perception?", "Why do i do things and take decisions?", "Am i free or there is a destiny for me?"...

PS: It is a publication of our venture www.iwishedlife.com. Feel free to visit it , if you have any queries regarding the novel or the Life you are leading :)

We are also distributing the novel on our own, with an initial discount offer. Feel free to contact for ordering.

Feedbacks are welcome.

Contact :

Varun Sharma :9886162012 Email : varun@iwishedlife.com
Anshul Khandelwal : 9971001670 Email : anshul@iwishedlife.com
Udit Khandelwal : 9900482501 Email : udit@iwishedlife.com
Adesh Oberoi : 9216534156 Email : adesh@iwishedlife.com


More Reviews :

I cannot explain what this novel is, rather i should say, i would not have been able to do so, but thanks to dead beautiful trurth! It was, and it continues to be an experience to write it. what i got from this experience is a sheer reality, that changed my life. Now it doesn't matter whether i live or die, i know the truth, the dead beautiful truth. The novel, with its story, is a call to all to understand life.
Choice of trial lies in your court!
- the soul of the authors

Dead Beautiful Truth is pure allegory?a mystical adventure in astral travel, hallucination, and imagination. One should be in a quiet place to appreciate its nuances.
- Ronald L. Donaghe, Author of Twilight of the Gods

The only novel i have read till date, which taught me something, without even trying to do so. i lived through its chapters and i died with the truth! A truth, yes it is!
- the first ever reader

I am alone again!!

Keys are being struck at 2:32 AM, at a place where umpteen boxes with a logic inside, are sitting in silence.Among them, is this little unlucky box and this shining wide screen , which is just taking my weirdo thoughts as input and displaying them in these array of pearls which you are reading at the moment. These fellows must have never imagined, that they will need to do the excruciating logical calculations at such wee hours of morning.. Yes.. they need some sleep too.. after all they go in a hibernation mode too.. aren't they cold-blooded animals ? :)

But, there is one thing ,hierarchically and biologically ahead of them, which will not let them even sense the feeling of loneliness.. That is this little human being who is busy sipping a cuppa koffee and giving some pain in the *** to the tiny silicon chip in this stupid box. And, there is a label to each one of those human beings, my being 'Anshul'. So here I go, telling you something about myself, and you would probably get to know ,why the hell am here in office :

I live in seconds. So, I live my day in 86400 different states of mind and mood. Every mood, every thought of mine, every state of my mind is solely governed by those little droplets of experiences, brought about by the people around me and those vibes in the air. I can be in innumerable states at a time. I just don't know which physics principle I violate, but my energy and momentum are not constant. I can seek love from you, and love you, no matter how deeply or not-so deeply connected are we. I would let my mind move at a pace, that my heart lags behind and falls apart. I extract the soul out of things and then let them go. Life seems to be granules of dust to me,and if each one of them is made a diamond , my soul would love to be embellished by them.Dependency injection has no place in my unruly life, wherein I am so misbehaved that I would knowingly bully my soul and make it dirty. Love finds the first index in the array of my emotions, to an extent that I pour out my weeds of frustration to the one, I am in love with. My mind rules my heart, still the latter is the conquerer of many other hearts :).. The reason why I reason things, is i am too dumb to understand them.I let go things that matter to me a lot ,so easily at times, and fasten my soul to some stupid pillars of failures at times. This was a bit of me, in a state of pouring my feelings out, at this moment.

My bay is illuminated again, as the office boys are on their job of cleaning the mess , the other human species of this organization left behind. And, alas!! my state flips to be a helping person and so, I am going to help these guys out in making this place of stupid boxes clean!!

Gudnite people..oops.. Gud Morning!!