Silence!!

Hi guys.. m back with my uncultivated thoughts and eccentric views..Its 3:41 PM..I am sitting in front of my PC at my desk.. Elton John is busy "SACRIFICE-ing" on the speakers..I have never talked and soliloquized like this ever before.. m loving this loneliness..this silence.. the peace..
I have always loved darkness, the loneliness in a serene atmosphere like this.. the feeling of having someone so close to my heart..but far away..swimming in this ocean of heart felt love and care for people around me..

I took the MOCK-CAT-10 this morning..screwed it up big time..still m at so much peace rite now..you knw why..'coz there is noone around me who is battling hard with himself to gain that ephemeral happiness and soothe his inner self..the inanimate PC's are lying here in wait of there owners to hit the keys soon..there is an air of anticipation around..but nothing is at stake..so the volume of adrenalin in this room is just enough to make me feel on the top of this world..

Every single word of any song that is playing...fills the air around me with so much love, faith, hope...it says live the life this way..like i am..not the way you live..let your mind and heart submerge in the this gift of god..and then would feel the calm, the inner-satisfaction..

What if I never go home..? What if I don't study ? What if I don't talk to people ? Can I ?
YES!! I can..and with no severe consequences on my mind and heart.. You knw what..World's 100 % democratic place is where ? Its inside you..where there is no one to stop your senses, your mind, your heart.. they are the mist lucky ones to live there share of life.. but its your soul that doesn't let them do so.. It is so much ingrained in its pursuit to achieve NIRAVANA.. which it never can..until it lets them breathe freely.. What you ought to do is..

Let this SILENCE build up the horizon..from where your mind, body , heart and soul can look up to the soul.. and say..that they are free and devoid of everything.. and then your soul will condescend upon them..and be in peace forever...

Lost!!

Lost in the memories.. lost in the world.. lost in her.. lost in my mind.. lost in air.. lost in dad.. lost in office.. lost in exams.. lost while talking..lost while sleeping..LOST when I am lost..

Thats all I am..LOST..
The search began in 1986 and has still not reached to an end..I kept searching for the rite thing that keeps me consistent..contended..something that can cure me..my mind..but in this dense and gloomy world of my fantasies, I revolved around the pillar of life so many times..that i am not able to identify the start and the end of my actions..my behavior, my words and above all my THOUGHTS..

I believe I THINK a lot..She says she THINKS a lot..Dad says , " You need to THINK SON!!"..Mum says, " At least THINK about US".. Bro says " Let me THINK my way".. God THINKS he has already thought about everything that going to happen...Is it so..?? .. I am lost in this world..try thinking that you are alone in this world..there is nobody around..you are the only person left on this planet..now try to THINK.. What happened..feels weird..rite..Why ?
Because you are LOST.. This life and this world is a puzzle, having myriad pieces..with innumerable number of feelings and situations in them..But they are scattered.. we need to collect them.. but we cant..we are LOST.. we don't know the way, to affix them.. had anyone of us known that.. he would have known his future..What we can do is , just garner as many pieces of puzzles and try living in the situations contained by that puzzle with feelings associated with it..

Then you will find the way.. he moment you try to get out of a piece and look for the next.. you are LOST.. Life is a SEARCH.. search of those rite pieces among the umpteen useless ones..
However, the search doesn't end here.. You need to dive and explore that piece.. you need to amalgamate with the feelings inside it.. and then you'll realize.. life really is beautiful with a dynamic base which YOU can change..according to you as you want..All you need is:

BELIEF, OPENNESS, a complex MIND, an EXPLORING personality.. and if you search for any of these in you.. you will find it the next moment..so..lets EXPLORE!!

Join me..

Re-lation-Ship

Who the hell do you think you are ?..
Go to hell...
Kuch nahi..
I dont want to talk to you..

That was the conversation between me and my soul..

This is all a relationship is all about..the more you expect..the more you are bogged down in the 'Sargasso Sea' of irritation and frustration..Implications of the over-passionate and possesive attitude unveiled soon and I found myself lying down..with a heavy mind, body , heart and soul..
I used to teach people..instead I used to preach this to ppl.." Get rid of your expectations from life, God , parents, friends, ppl.. and you will find no reason to cry over..life will seem beautiful , as it definitely is.."..

But ALAS!! .. I was the first one who fell prey to it..Life has been like the "BSE-Sensex" since then..
Sudden upsurges of weird but nice feelings..instant downfall of the mental map..gratified and contented from outside..and equally devastated and frustrated from inside.. gawdd..is this what I always used to dream of.. is this what I needed ? ..certainly not..

So, what can I do about it..
My soul - Get rid of every responsibility, free yourself from obligations..meditate..spiritualize..react..enlighten..but how ? , I said..

Me - Shall I dematerialize myself.. the process would take long..but will certainly take me away from the intrications of this painful life..LIVE and let LIVE..but what about my alter-ego.. it doesnt allow me to do so..it shouts out loud every moment and is the only reason I land up in trouble..

My Soul - You are not responsible for any body's happiness..you are here to be happy and the people around you will absorb the positive vibes in you..you ought to live to the fullest.. let no feeling of any sort. ruin your mental-map.. GROW..EVOLVE.MATURE..

Me- But how...the only way I can do this is.. DONT EXPECT... and thats what I do the most.. How not to EXPECT.. How to ignore.. How to hate people.. How do I cut myself apart from this institution called 'LOVE'...


My Soul - Its unreal..its a hallucination... you built it.. it doesn't exist.. THINK..ANALYZE...RETROSPECT.. what did you get from it... nothing.. leave aside the joy.. but did you evolve...no.. u didnt.. u are not the fittest among all.. you cannot SUSTAIN.. you have to die...

Thats how I died , but I am still there in the minds and hearts of people I expected from... but I am happy now.. as I EVOLVED...