A thought to remember

It is 1:56 AM, 29th December 2008. I wake up from my bed, not from the sleep though.A sense of urgency kicks in to explore what really lies inside me. I take my Ipod, a pack of ciggarettes, a lighter, my cell phone, a cap and my laptop, and just go out of my room searching for a place that forces me to think , what this world and I are made up of.I head straight to the terrace , in the sea of the unknown,oblivious yet so pure enviroment. I look up to the stars shining bright enough to make me feel guilty of the darkness inside me. A song playing on my Ipod whispers in my ears and says , " I am your truth". My innser selfish soul does not believe it as it has nothing so pleasurely to offer. I then lit up a smoke to subdue the selfish motives I have. I observe the smoke and the path it takes. It seems like it is going straight to those very stars. I look up to them again , and I see a canvas of my deeds, my feelings, my life in the sky holding those stars. I try to see something less disturbing, but all I see is the faces of people I love the most. And, I start talking to them, discuss with them that they are also made of the same matter as me. I pull out my cell phone, message a weird text to all of those. Why I am doing this? What am I doing ? I do not know. I feel like staying here forever. I do not want this night to end. I want to listen to everything it has to say.Yes, it is saying something. I try to listen:

"Whereever I stay, anywhere on the earth a thought stays with me. It had been stuck to my heart for long, a picture so vague which I never had a chance to see.I never stay happy with anything that lives, I keep asking my soul to believe that there is something which is hidden from my eyes, from this world: a feeling, a sense,a thought. I have always held my past so near to my heart, that nothing else ever had the chance to live there. I always loved the way I was, I never tried to change.However, ability to change is what the most precious thing I possess. It is the only thing that has made me love so many people. Change is the sole factor responsible for fighting through all the bad times my mind and heart have come accross. It is the only thought that keeps me going to know myself better. A day without change in my life, would erase all the happiness I have felt ever. Why do I wish the change to happen , and why do I become the same again , even after the change takes place? I should look for the answer. It would not only heal me, but would cleansen the soul I believe is tarnished and is not as good as I want it to be."

I am feeling cold. I wish I had my jacket. I light up another smoke, and another , and another. I repeat the same song again and again. I feel blessed. I feel like crying. I feel her in me. I feel the breeze, I miss the god. I know he is here. I change. I think. I want to sleep. I go back. I write this blog. I sleep.